Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize