is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
