i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
