Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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