You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I looked at my own cervix.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
