I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
