it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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