If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
