i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Say something about gay babies.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
