I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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