If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize