you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
