you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
