Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We need to rekindle our bromance
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Also, beer. Big fan.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
