Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
