you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
