I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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