I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
operation harelip BJ is a go
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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