He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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