Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Green mimosas i think yes
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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