how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
