you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
