There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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