There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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