the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
