You smell like a Billy Joel song
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dick very happy bro
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize