Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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