that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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