My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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