if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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