i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
