this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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