My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
