dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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