I am puke
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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