Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize