Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
