Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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