There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
