I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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