WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
