he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
