I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
