I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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