I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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