chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
