1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
