Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
