trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
