Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
