I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
