Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
