i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
