Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
