if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
