so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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