I think my fart just growled at me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
