I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
