Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
