He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize