Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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