I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
