I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
