i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
