Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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