yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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