Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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