Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dick very happy bro
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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