Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
organizing the empties. That sober.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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