this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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