Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
