just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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