I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
