I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
