Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
